Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Ramblings on being a new mother
So this is it! My last day on this planet without a child. Think about that. Unless I some how manage to outlive all my children, I will forever have a child to take care of, nurture, give wisdom, counsel, and love. What a ride it will be!
If I sit here and think too much about it, I start to feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. I'm so anxious about tomorrow. I'm not scared of the pain. I'm not even worried about the atrocities that will happen to my body. I'm so worried that something could go wrong and that my baby won't be healthy. The thought of hearing his first gasping scream is enough to send me wailing. I just want to see his face, hear him cry, and hold him. And of course to hear the Dr. to say he is perfect.
I think about how different life will be and wonder if I can do it. I guess you don't know just how capable you are until life thrusts itself upon you. I kinda chuckle to myself as I think about all the idiot parents I have witnessed with working with kids and I think "If they can somehow manage to raise a child, I most certainly can. Right?". But then I think about how I've never changed a newborns diaper, given a baby a bath, or breastfeed one for that matter. I just hope I do everything right!
I have no idea how I will be able to sleep tonight. It will be like I am 6 years old again and it's Christmas Eve and I want to sleep under the tree in a fort of presents and wait for Santa. I don't remember much about trying to sleep the night before my wedding. Sure, I was nervous then too, but it doesn't even compare to this feeling. I know if I ever wake up one day and decide I'm done with Scott then its nothing a little trip down the courthouse can't fix (Don't worry baby, not that I'd ever feel that way about you!Or that I would ever make such a rash decision) But you most certainly can't undo a child. It is forever part of you. And you a part of them. So thus begins the forever forward march into parenthood!There is no going back!
PS- I'm gonna need some prayers.