I will preface this by saying, this post is solely for my benefit and no one else. I am not looking for any sympathy from any one. Sometimes it just helps me to write it all down and get it all out. That's all this is. For me. If you feel inspired to join me on my journey come on down!Today I weighed the most I've ever weighed. I hope this is the last time I ever have to say those words. I weigh more now than I did at 9 months pregnant. About 15 lbs more. About 100 lbs more than I was at 17 (not exaggerating). I am 26 and I am obese. My blood pressure is high. My self esteem is low. Hell, it is non existent. I avoid doing anything that might draw attention to myself because I don't want anyone to see me. I would be perfectly happy to fade into the fatground and be lost forever. I don't look in the mirror for more than 3 secs because its like a wrecking ball to my spirit to see myself like this. I break down and cry in the dressing room every time I go shopping for clothes.
I think horribly negative thoughts about myself all day long. Here are just a few I have had within the last week:
"Maybe I shouldn't go to the beach this year because I am too fat to be seen on a beach. I seriously might scar everyone's whole vacation if they have to see me in a swimsuit so I'll just spare everyone and sit in the condo all week."
"Those are cute shoes. Oh wait, I'm too fat to wear those shoes"
"Oh look at those moms sitting over there talking, they look nice. Maybe I should go join them. No. I'm not skinny and beautiful and wear cute clothes like them so they couldn't possibly want to be friends with me."
I have felt embarrassed when Scott introduces me as his wife. I feel embarrassed for Scott, not myself. I mean look at me. He might as well be saying "Hey man! I haven't seen you in years! This is my wife, she is part humpback whale, part hippo."
I have actually turned down going to do things with people for fear that being fat would interfere. For example going to the movies. My fat ass might not fit in the seat that well and then I'm crammed in next to a stranger for 2 hours unable to focus on the movie because I'm focused on being fat. I have certain restaurants that I do not like to eat at because their chairs are too small and they actually are painful/uncomfortable to sit in. I don't like going anywhere that sweat pants are not appropriate. If I have to wear jeans, then I spend the whole time uncomfortable and feeling self conscious.
I know right. I have as much self esteem as a 12 year old girl. It sucks.
At this point, its not even really about the health factors (I know that really should be the main concern) but its about my sanity and happiness. I want to be able to feel like myself again. I want to be able to go do things without letting my body image issues being in the way. I know I will never have that perfect body. Never. I'm not trying to achieve that. I'm just trying to be happy again with myself.
So tomorrow is a new day. A new chapter. I'm sure I will have more than one moment of defeat. I'm sure I will feel like quitting about 2 hours in. But I can't. I owe it to myself. I've spent too much time being unhappy. I have missed out on too much life. I owe it to Bryce and Scott to live a long and healthy life. I owe it to them to be happy.
Whats my plan?
For starters, obviously, eating healthier. No more McDonald's for breakfast. No more large Dr. Pepper 3 times a day (that one is gonna hurt...possibly physically). No more indulging my chocolate loving soul multiple times a day. I'm not saying I'm not going to eat/drink those things because that would just be unrealistic. But I could defiantly allow for some major cut backs.
Secondly, exercising. We have a gym here at the apartment and I've never even used it. Now is a good time to start. I'm so out of shape, I know I'll have to start off slow with some walking and then work up to interval training. My goal is 4 times a week. 3 during the week and once on the weekend. I'm hoping to make Zumba a regular part of my life!
Thirdly, WATER WATER WATER. If you know me at all, you know I never drink water. I think I have actually gone weeks at a time without drinking any water. I'm not sure how it is humanly possible, but I'm still standing here so I guess there is enough water in Dr Pepper to keep you living.
Whats my goal?
30 lbs by August 31. Nothing significant about August 31, just gives me 4 whole months. If I was really crazy I know I could loose more than that, but that would require no carbs and no dr pepper and I know I would just crash and burn and gain most of it back. I still think 30 lbs in 4 months might be a little lofty, but I'm aiming high here!